Sories they may have missed

Police hunt warm-blooded killer
Police in North Yorkshire are appealing for information regarding the death of a 73 year old woman. She was found at her home in Tadcaster on Tuesday, the victim of what officers described as "a sustained pampering, of obscene ferocity". The alarm was raised when neighbours became concerned that the woman, a devout churchgoer and do-gooder hadn't been seen for a few days. Police have a prime suspect, as her son Timothy also hasn't been contactable since the incident. "We believe he has crucial information regarding the death of his overbearing mother, and normally would warn the public not to approach him, but in this case, he's a really charming boy and we would urge people to invite him in for tea and scones".

Hairdresser opens 'quiet holiday resorts' website
Bob Braids, a Barnet hairstylist, was today celebrating the success of his new Quiet Breaks website. "Well for years, we've been asking people about their upcoming holidays. Most thought it was merely small-talk, but in reality I was taking down all the dates, locations, and durations then correlating the infomation and analysing which resorts were going to be less busy each season." He is also believed to be working on a new site informing customers about a myriad of things they could get up to for the coming weekend.

'King is permissable terror target' says govt.
Twisted mouth paedophile Johnathan King, famed for inflicting banal attempts at 'music' upon the public, and then boasting about his child-buggering antics on national television has gone too far. His release of the Harold Shipman sonnet on Youpube has not only angered families of Doctor Deaths victims, but has also made Salman Rushdie breath a little easier as he is no longer the most death-threatened UK resident. In reaction to Kings bizarre diatribe, Gordon Brown has openly invited all terrorist organisations to 'take him out, please' with no repercussions, for this once in a lifetime chance to eradicate a really deserving target. William Hill said early favourites at (4/1) were the I.R.A. who may be tempted to come out of retirement for old times sake. Gerry Adams wasnt available for comment, as he was recovering from an undisclosed but amusing moustache-based incident.

Cold caller dies of hypothermia
Door to door double glazing salesman Hugh Peeveesea was found dead in a Swansea street this morning, apparently from acute hypothermia. A shocked neighbour commented, "He had been hounding me for about 20 minutes about how much I could save on heating costs with their new windows, now this. Its ironic isnt it?" Attempts to interview other inhabitants of the street were met with a frosty reception.






Carbon Dating' - New singles club for OAPs opens
Join today
and reap some of our benefits included;
free candlelit puree'd meal
alzheimers sufferers welcome
nude bingo every thursday
50 brands of gin available at bar
weak tea and boring biscuits also served
alzheimers sufferers welcome
bring-a-waterbottle nights
colostomy friendly
alzheimers sufferers welcome
huge Louis L'amour & Danielle Steel reading room
rocking chairs
knitting circle (no sharing needles!)
rude care-workers welcome

Stamp Collector finally realises 'Philately Gets You Nowhere'

Popeye Dolls to sue Simon Cowell for name theft

Turkish Earthquake produces 'Perfect Milkshake'

Pop Stars bad lyrics lead to Poetic Licence being Revoked

Girl Guide & Boy Scout Leaders tie the knot

Mini Pringles to replace communion wafer

Silent Bob in Lip Sync Shocker!

Exorcising Demons makes them fitter – report

Housewarming Party to stand in next general election

TV presenters alcohol shame - Jamie Theakstons bitter.

Birds Eye wins Nobel Peas Prize

George Burns - firefighters on standby

Bernard Matthews arrested in Serial Culler probe
Mmmmmmore later..

Mystery Laundry Masturbator Comes Clean




Depp arrested in DVD Piracy scandal.
Johnny 'Le Crepe' Depp, Hollywood heart-throb and pancake tossing champion has been arrested amid sensational scenes at Buccaneer Studios, Cleethorpes. It appeared on the surface that Depp was doing beneficial work for charity, apparently handing out 'How to be a winning tosser' DVDs to the poor people of Eastern England, when in fact on closer inspection it was apparent that Depp and his entourage of bohemian hangers-on had doctored the packaging and wereselling copies as "Pirates of The Carribean 4 - The Unmade Quadrilogy". As word spread, thousands of damp gusseted and wet brained fans flocked to Depps caravan-cum-sales outlet at an un-named motorway services on the M28, eager to hand over 30 quid for a signed copy of the 'new movie'. Local Police constable Ivor Bigtruncheon commented, "I couldnt give a shit to be honest, I aways preferred Nicholas Cage meself". Depp was unavailable for comment, but will be in pantomime at Lincoln Prison from November onwards. (Discounts available for inmates' ofspring)

Lego to put cornflake in promotional toy packs
After years of Kellogs attempting to choke children with small plastic gifts in cereal boxes, alien plastic brick company Lego, based in Europe, are exacting revenge by inserting a random cereal piece in each of their new Coloured Brick Bags Collection. "It may be a cornflake, a rice crispie, even a golden graham, but one things for sure, it wont be a weetabix!" said a bloke stood outside the Lego factory
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Shock Report; Mobile phones cause verbal diarrhoea
Since the popularity of phones has rocketed in the last 5 years, so has the amount of banal shit being bandied around the globe. "Giving illiterate clowns a phone, when they can barely string a sentence together, (far less text legibly) is akin to giving a small child a mini motorcycle. Annoying, perverse, and quite frankly, wrong" said spokesperson Miss Rabblecow, of Mobcom, the gov. watchdog for something or another.

Wife Beating lessons on the NHS?
Hair-trigger temper men across Britain awoke to the news that they may soon be able to hone their partner bruising skills for free, via a new Government incentive scheme. Police chiefs had recently reported the amount of officer hours wasted on domestics that were little more than 'slanging matches' was rising, keeping officers from attending real crimes like people spitting in public, or kids shouting from buses. "The NHS has recently come into possession of hundreds of empty baby units in hospitals across the country, providing a perfect training scenario for dad to give mum a good whack in the eye over the little 'uns cot. We will be concentrating on facial bruising impact maximisation, developing language skills for more colourful spouse abuse, and advising women on plausible excuses for having a face like a drop-kicked watermelon. Also, we will be selling a competitively priced 'winter sunshades' collection for perfecting that just-had-my-eye-socket-destroyed look for those mouthy missys", commented Esther Rantzen, the initiative co-ordinator.

Cocky peanut antics new no.1 cause of death
Show off binge-drinkers with garish cheap shirts have always been famous for their cheesy, unimaginative chat-up lines, inability to hold down relationships, and inability to eat kebabs without wearing most of it, but now they are leading in a much less envied category, Death!
Recent research has revealed that the old 'catch a falling peanut' trick, with the humourous 'double-act' variation (where your mate chucks it down your gullet at high speed) has rocketed to number one in the British death method charts, overtaking the ever popular 'pissing on the live rail' More later, definitely. (Maybe)

Man In The Moon to retire
After serving grandly for as long as anyone can remember, the Man In The Moon is hanging up his face and calling it a day. At an emotional press conference M.I.T.M. (real name Hoke Slunerlanding) cited the smell of green cheese, old age and new technology as the main reasons for his decision. "In the good old days I loved it, nice clear space every night, earth scientists giving my craters admirable names like Sea of Ingenuity. I was admired by everybody, every night. Nowadays though its like a traffic jam up there! Near misses with satellites, space debris, Sci-Fi film crews, its getting scary for an old 'un like myself. And with all the new fangled telescopes, no-one even bothers with me any more, too busy looking at Jupiter, Neptune, or deep space. Plus, the green cheese up there really needs changing. But overall Ive had a great career and wouldn't change it for the world . . . well, err maybe the world." Rumours that the vacant position of person-in-the-moon would be filled by Jade Goody were rife yesterday. A spokesman said, "Well, she does have a moon face, and it would keep her well out of harms way, as theres no-one to bully or racially abuse up there, but we are keeping our options open"

Racist Jo O'Meara forms new band - SS Klub Sieben
Big Brother xenophobe Jo has capitalised on her notoriety by jumping straight into the recording studio with her neo-pop combo. With Holocaust denier David Irving on the mixing decks, BNP leader Nick Griffin on drums, and Danielle 'sheep' Lloyd waggling her bits out front, it promises to be an interesting outing to say the least. The first release, an adapted cover version of a Madonna classic, aptly named 'Poppadom Preach' from 'The Final Solution' EP is available to download from smallmindedfuckwits.com, sadly Jade Goody had to be ommitted from the project, due to a miraculous development of colour blindness meaning her bigotry couldnt be objective.

'Zero Times Table Scrapped'
Never again will we hear the dulcet tones of 5 year-olds reciting 'one times zero is zero, two times zero is zero' etc. Education chiefs have erased the Zero Times Table recitation from the school curriculum, but deny its another streamlining tactic. "We just felt it was outdated, outmoded, and outlandish, but the time saved will be spent on teaching the children to be able to recite their parents current medication and narcotic intake, as there are growing numbers of cases of overdosing and accidents, when doctors require this information urgently"

Time Machine 'was really a wardrobe'
Police have arrested a man on suspicion of endangerment to life, fraud, and obtaining money by deception. It appeared that his offer of 'forward time travel' was merely a ploy to dupe ignorant people who had failed basic science and philosophy at college. One victim said "When I arrived, I paid the GBP5000 fee, and was escorted to a room where I was supplied with 8 litres of water, a bag of apples, toilet roll and an issue of 'The Sun' (the last two were interchangable). Then I was asked to step into the 'Time Machine' and told that I would be transported forward in time, but due to technical difficulties, it would only be a week into the future. Seven days later, when the wardrobe was unlocked by an activated timer, and I was released, I was greeted by a chorus of applause (taped off an episode of Trisha I believe) and a banner reading 'Welcome to The Future' there was a note on the table explaining that whilst I'd been in the wardrobe, 7 days had elapsed in the outside world, and I should go out immediately and explore the state of 'Future Earth'. After it sunk it that I had been duped, I crawled back in the wardrobe, cried, and prayed that Narnia would open and swallow me up'". The dupester was arrested when a professional lockpicker on his annual leave went on the future experience, and broke out of the wardrobe, catching the dupester laughing his tits off on the floor, covered in bank notes. Proceeding.

Police given more time to question stutterer
Perranporth Police have been given an extra 48 hours, and anti-spray masks to interview Serial Stutterer Peter Piper. He is in police custody on charges of possessing porn, perjury, puppy painting, pissing in a public place, peppercorn pilfering and punching Peter Purvis. "We think the excess 'p' related crimes have caused Peter problems" said Chief Inspector Pedro Papaya, "it took us over an hour just to get him to tell us his name"

.Australian Internet pages 'stuck upside-down'
An internet crisis looms as it has emerged that all pages originating 'down under' but viewed in the Northern Hemisphere are upside-down. Many of our readers who spend time surfing Australian pornography sites, (famed for their recent 'Abo Titmuss' expose) will already be aware of this, but too ashamed to say anything.

Oliver Twist named and shamed
Young Twist, famous for 'food, glorious food' and 'please sir can i have some more' has been named by MPs as the number one cause of Londons begging and busking problem. Spokesman Curt Minister said "If it wasnt for that musical little upstart, these drug users, beggars and bad guitarists and pan-pipers would have been dead yonks ago"