Letter Spray

Dear Mahavishnu Burybobz
Was JFK assassinated by the American government or was Lee Harvey Oswald guilty! Although the evidence is almost indisputable I would like to put my mind at rest once for all knowing that you have set my mind on the correct path!
Your devout follower
Dave ‘Bugzy’ Fribbins

Dearest Dave
JFK, the first American president to be named after an airport, was actually the orchestrator of one of the most complex suicides of all time.
By the brilliant ploy of using a boy named Oswald, a name people would come to use as a toilet cleaner, even though some folks still insisted on calling him Patsy, due to his startling rendition of 'Crazy' as Jack Ruby filed him full o' lead, well, Kennedy could (a) Not have to compromise his principles regarding the Vietnam War, (b) Get shut of Jackie 'Onassis' coz she wouldn’t share his surname, because Jackie Kennedy sounds like a £15-a-go brass lamp you might back-scuttle on the Liffey Bridge (c) This enabled him to spend the afterlife sucking on Marilyn 'I was here first Manson' Monroe’s ample charms for all eternity (in a share scheme he had signed with Elvis, in a ghetto)
The masterstroke was actually brainwashing hundreds of eyewitnesses whos' video cameras were confiscated and wanted to testify that they had seen shots fired from the infamous cowboy Grassy Noel, thus causing so much confusion, that in the aftermath the American CIA-run govt. immediately went to war in Vietnam (straight after they maxed out their share options in US ordnance and weapons corps) and everybody went away happy. Apart from Marlon Brando, who went mad in Cambodia, so got Charlie Sheens dad to 'do a JFK' on him.
Hope this helps.
*** WARNING *** This reply may contain traces of conspiracy nuts, so tough shit


Dear Dr BoBZ,
I am drunk, and tomorrow I'll be hung-over, do you know any miracle cures?
Yours headachingly,
Steve ‘Acer’ Woodchuck

Quite Inexpensive Steve
There are but 4 guaranteed solutions to your predicament young Liver Lasher
1) Stay Drunk - Forever
2) Get Drunker - Let the hospital detox do its magic
3) Chicken Soup with rusty nails in (digestion of nails optional) followed by Cumberland Sausage in custard
4) Drink Welsh Vagrant Urine direct from source
5) Stick to neat vodka, less additives
6) Never trust a 4 step programme



Dear Guru of all knowing, (and a good general knowledge of plumbing)
Oh great wise and wonderful one, can you please explain to me the rules between watching porn and having sex? For it is my understanding that i may have sexual intercourse with a female from the age of 16 but in order to actually watch myself having sex with this woman or anybody else have sex i must be 18?
Please oh wise one guide me as to the rules of this for I fear the younger generation are having sex with their eyes closed (and that’s not during anal either)
Yours Hamshankingly
Adam ‘Katamari’ Heaton

Dear sweet (containing a source of phenylalanine) Adamski,
Ah, Ah, achoo! young man, fine dilemma, fine dilemma!
It may seem absurd that you can actually get your grubby mitts on a real live fleshy poor girly specimen before a soon-to-be slimy grot magazine or really badly pun-laced jizz flick.(Muff-Diving Miss Daisy? Breakfast At TitFannys?, I Know Who You Did Last Summer?)
The truth is, the government gives people a full 2 years to get it on with a female desperate enough to accept their fetid panting breath within range for more than 5 minutes usually compensated by six cider n blacks or half a bottle of fake Drambuie from Aldi.
Most people who haven’t had their wicks wet with lady love liquid in 2 years are either (a) fundamentalist christians and its probably better if they don’t procreate, or (b) never will, and are destined to a life of bad skin, long dirty rainmacs, and lonely nights with a copy of Razzle and Industrial sized Swarfega jar.
In truth, the two year buffer is in reality a sociological phallacy/phallusy, as anyone who hasn’t dabbled from about 14 is either in a coma or taking their train set far too seriously.
As for the plotlines in such mucky movies, well, regardless of the amount of implants and cocaine a room full of dripping porn gimps possess, photocopiers DO develop faults, plumbers ALWAYS call at inopportune times, and the man who walks in on his wife and 5 builders who can nonchalantly nudge his way into orifice number 3 instead of going to the garage for the chainsaw surely deserves the Cuckold of the Year award!
Yours with Latex Gloves on, BuryBoBZ & the battery powered ‘Queen Bee’


Hello Oh Wise and Unshaven One
Hello wise one (again) - my question today regards my Christmas decorations. I’ve often heard it said that there is a particular number of days before and after the big event as to when to put up and take down but ive never listened......what shall I do oh wise (thrice) and mysterious one....thank you in anticipation
Dave ‘Maclad’ Shearer

Deer Stalker
Well, young stripling, we have a wonderful concept in the western world called "Let the missus do it", your wondrous combo's of black, green, orange and pink may look cool after 12 Stella and some dog worming tablets but believe you me (!) a female will tear this down in justifiable anger, and probably claw you in the face too.
Regarding dates, since Julius Caesar fiddled the calendar 1,000s of years back so he got a long weekend in a bath full of christian tiger shit, it has been a strongly argued/debated and generally ignored point of conflict between men, machines and crooked shopping trolleys. I would use the 12 days of Christmas as a guide, but you could just be another slovenly Brit who leaves his house decorated year round but turns on the lights sometime in mid-September, hope this helps.
Santabobz Claus


Dear Spiritual Stargazer
Nice letters page - how about next weeks winning lotto numbers as a starter?
Yours Pauperishly
Guy ‘Bane’ Lamb-Tikka Hughes

Dear Mr. Multiple-Barrelled name implying wealth ya greedy bastard,
I’ll try again, sorry about that you festering scumbag!
Ah, my dear Bane, every day we are striving for our big break, our chance to escape the very Geordiness, Scouseness and indeed the people from Wolverhampton-ness of our daily drudge. To believe that a sequence of numbers on a girlie pink ticket can be our escape route is naive and quite frankly, wonderful.
People have been requesting these numbers of me since the early 1600s, even Albert Einstein, (or Ally Brainfart as I fondly call him) but even old smart ballhooks himself overlooked the pseudoscientific concept of 'gypping the universe' i.e. the numbers we observe now 7,8,11,30,42,43 will be the winning numbers for the next draw, BUT, the moment we act upon this knowledge (buying a 'winning' ticket) the universe freaks out, and creates an alternate dimension for us with new lottery numbers. Ally B called it the Autobhan Chaoticum Deutsch Thingum, and I think his side project Relativity thing really suffered, and inadvertently because of its incoherency, made it an instant success with big brained boffins worldwide.
Apparently, its machine Murgatroid tonight, and set of balls Fleshpot, so we should be looking at a glut of mid 30s odd numbers.
Yours Ch-Chingingly, El Banco de BBZ


Mahavishnu! Help!
I have been noticing a lot lately that there seems to be mass hysteria from NASA'S scientists about the possibility of there being life on the planet Mars! I know the chances of anything coming from there are a million to one..........but and here is my question ....should I pop down to the local bookies and stick a pound on this happening???
Yours as always in anticipation!!! I love you BBZ!!!
‘Maclad’ Mc ‘Maclad’

Deer Hunter (and other Gladiators)
Thank you for your kind words young Mackem, although heed the words of the great soothsayer Judith Chalmers "Temperatures on Tenerife can dip quite sharply in October, so be sure to pack a suitably gaudy fleece"
Now then, regarding your dilemma, I would speculate a minimum of 10 English pounds, most likely at the establishment called 'BetFred' due to a higher dividend payout. You see, now keep this to yourself, its a guaranteed winner, (as long as you dont mind collecting your winnings in Space Dollars - Ms. Chalmers will get us a good exchange rate)
Since the discovery of water on Mars in the 1990s, it has been speculation central over whether life has existed there. {Whether intelligent life has ever occurred on Earth is a later question to deal with.}
Now, history has proven that wherever water is discovered, a bottling plant soon 'springs' up and another pollution-spewing enterprise is born, and airborne.
Water is the liquid of life, 2nd only to CocaColaZero, which, if you were unfortunate enough to view the board members of their plc you would be further convinced on life from other planets here to screw this one over.
On a semantic point (apart from the fact that our distant ancestors live inside Mars, because its nice and warm and they get great reception on T-Mobile) the moment man sets foot on Mars to investigate life on Mars, well technically, MAN will be the life on Mars, cue a trip to the bookies for a big payday!
On a lighter, fluffier, but not quite a snack you can eat between meals note, there is the dilemma of life in Mars bars. Since the craze for putting glass shards in Mars bars and baby milk of the 90s seems to have died out in favour of pipe bomb and firework attacks, Mars bar tamperology is at an all time low.
But, fear not! If you go to Alizaks bargain bucket, 10 bars for a pound, there’s every chance these chocolate delights have done more air miles than beardophile Branston, and have been through Sars/birdflu/aids/mlaria checkpoints than a Red Cross trainee! Enjoy!
Yours Protectively,
Mask-a-Vishnu BoBZ


Dearest BoBZ, I have a dilemma. I am fed up of the constraints that Windows-based PCs offer me and rather than get the rip off of Mac OSX that is Windows Vista, I thought I might just buy a Mac.
However, there is a man at work who is absolutely loathsome. I can't bring myself to even call him a colleague, so low is my contempt for him. If you imagine the most cretinous, self-indulgent, self-important individual you can, they would not hold a candle to this waste of skin.
The problem is that he, within work, extols the virtues of Macs at every turn. A friend of mine bought a Mac Book Pro last week, and this individual thought that my friend bought it to be more like him. He couldn't have been more wrong: Steve (not Acer, I hasten to add) just wanted something with a nice screen to watch a bit of bukake on.
If I buy a Mac, the last thing I want is for this idiot to think that I am trying to be anything like him. He acts as though he invented Apple and that anyone else in the entire world that dare use an Apple product is trying to be like him. He is like emo 15-year-olds who like My Chemical Romance and are outraged that somebody else might want to listen to one of their songs a year after they first heard of them. He is like Brian Hurst (who saw it first) off of the NME in the 1990s. He is a cunt.

BoBZ, you are the only one who can help with this most serious of queries. To Mac, or not to Mac? That is the question.
Yours Cursingly
Adam ‘Central’ Heaton

Dearer-than-Gas Adam,
Well, first, and most violently, Fuck emo, Fuck M.C.R. & N.M.E., Fuck 15 year olds, (in the cricket bat round the temple sense, not the Jonathan King context) and most of all, how come Mariah Carey & Whitney Houston both went radio gaga together?
Now then, that’s enough fuckery for one guru, so on to your problem work worm. Apart from being a monstrous carbuncle on the inner nostril of society, he feels that by inventing and absorbing his co-workers admiration, he is fulfilling a need in his worthless, small penile-ridden little life. Pity him, then when you've finished laughing into your coffee, apply for a sex-change online on his behalf, care of the office manager as next of kin (they will receive notification of his intentions).
Now, we all know the Mac is 1000x better in every aspect than the Pee.C, but we are all so stupid and scared of a life without Bill Gates domination, we avoid the choice of champions, how can you go wrong with a system named after something that keeps doctors away? So, we have established through scientific research, tarot cards and tea leaves that the Mac is a flasher option (pun intended, but, again, not to 15 years olds)
Now, the very crux of my post was to use the word crux, so, lets go for it! The very crux of your dilemma lies in this bottom feeder not harnessing any glory/credit or kudos from your purchase. The first thing you need is a red-hot demo for the next generation of Mac software that he wont be aware of, so that you can tell him its the very latest model you had shipped from Colorado Unified Nextgen Technologies, (and do say to him, "or C.U.N.T. to you mate") and basically urinates all over his feeble firmware restricted Mac he probably bought off the shelf, as did you but he either doesn’t know whether to believe your/my lies or he still has tears from the acronym abuse.
Alternatively, wait til he goes to the cinema, sneak in behind him, and introduce a superglue-slathered carrier bag to his moronic face.
Hope this helps!
Bury ‘Manhunt Maloney’ BoBz