Greatest games never made

The Greatest Games Never Made
METAL GEAR FLACCID (VIAGRACOM SOFTWARE)
Genre : Alcoholic Role-playing Adventure
No. of Players : 1 sad loner
Difficulty Level : Frustratingly Humiliating - hope the TVs insured

In this latest instalment of Viagracoms ever popular series, you play the role of urban warrior and perpetual bed-wetter Flaccid Snake. Armed with the usual array of weapons and power-ups, ranging from pocketfuls of loose change for close quarters kebab shop encounters, up to the devastating Wildly Swung Traffic Cone (with new improved “I’ll kill the fuckin lotta ye!” vocal boost), not forgetting the wonderful Carry-Out power-ups you encounter along the way, before 10pm. Also the new improved ‘Resisting Arrest’ move certainly gave our office team something to wrestle with over their gin & bacon bagels. The ‘Metal Gear’ (or steel plate in the skull) has been further enhanced so that Snake now believes that by lighting a fag, whistling nonchalantly and browsing a closed shops steel shuttering, he becomes invisible to the local constabulary.

In this outing, we find Snake on the hunt for a lass to help him empty his bulging ball sack, but as usual, even though he drops his standards lower than a thalidomide’s arse, he is scuppered by his over-imbibing causing little Percy Pecker to flop about like a pink slug who’s backbones on permanent vacation. Ultimately, he becomes embroiled in the devious plans of an evil mastermind and probably a secret cat-stroker on the quiet, Judge Judy Testosterone. This battle of wills and unpaid fines for public order offences is the most engrossing story yet in the series, and accompanied by your ever faithful imaginary sidekick Lambrini, the dialogue is the standard we’ve come to expect of this title, i.e. babbling crap. So once again, its hats off to those crazy Japanese and their incomprehensible storylines!

GLAND THEFT AUTOPSY (HIPPOCRATIC HYPOCRITES INC)
Genre : First-person Looter (of mortuaries)
No. of Players : Multiplayer collusion
Difficulty Level : Easy, as long as you don’t get discovered

This sure-fire blockbuster is another venture into a 3D open-world playing arena, with an NHS children’s hospital as the base for your shady shenanigans. Incorporating business management themes and also plenty of cover-ups, espionage and mysterious men with suitcases full of used notes. The game begins with you as a young ‘level 1’ medical intern, who has to rise to the ranks of chief medical officer, by any means possible. Initially you will go through the motions of surgery, childcare, pretending to be sympathetic to parents of dying kids, but very soon you realise that your income can be boosted to astronomical levels by ‘redistribution’ of dead childrens organs and body parts.

This is where the business management engine comes into its own, marvel at the realistic way your prior knowledge of medical research businesses and corporate ventures can give you the leading edge and head start in share dealing, guaranteeing you excessive wealth that only the truly greedy & unethical understand. Will you sell the organs to the highest bidders, from private clinics in the USA or Far East, or do you opt to open your own research facility and rake the money in under the guise of government funding? The development team at HH inc have come up with yet another unforgettable game, albeit in questionable taste, but when that is paired with great gameplay, tense action, and high-powered business lunches with profit obsessed vultures, its gaming heaven!









WOMB RAIDER VI - The Damp Patch Diaries (I.L.P. Studios)
Genre : Clam-Conquering Platformer
No. of Players : You are THE player
Difficulty Level : Interesting learning curve, from playground to playboy in 25 short years

Those darlings at I.L.P. Studios (Ivana Lara Pussy) have hit financial gold with its seemingly never-ending Womb Raider series. Again you are thrust into the role of Larry Croft, notorious lover, lothario, labia-licker and lisping lunatic whose sole purpose in life is to keep his manhood lubricated in the most natural - and best! - way available, by constantly marinating it in woman juice! Our protagonist from Metal Gear Flaccid could take a leaf out of Larrys book, the non-drinking, non-smoking, all smarmy, always poking anti-hero never fails to perform (except during level 3, where the Viagra is replaced by Lesley Thomas tablets, leaving our Larry with only a stiff upper-lip for once!) This game is played mostly in flashback, charting the relative rise to success as our character picks up cheesy chatup lines, cheques and tips, chubby chicks, chlamydia and a chaffed Charlie on the way to stained satin sheet stardom!

To be honest, this series had become a little tired of late, a bit like some of Larrys conquests, but apart from early teething problems, the cocksure character is definitely back on track. You spend too much time early in the game alternating between thrusting for glory then having your rhythm broken by squeals of ‘I’m too dry!’ by the underage pick-ups, meaning you have to keep leaving the house and going to the all-night garage for lube, amusing at first, but it can become repetitive. This game comes (literally) into its own in later levels though, when the enlightened Larry dons his Leisure Suit, and heads for the glorious bright lights, threesomes, foursomes and orgies of the Vegas runaways porno scene, ending in a monumental and memorable climax!

SUPER MARIO LANZA (Ann Offayacanna Refuse Entertainment )
Genre : Italian Croonathon
No. of Players : 3 plus a rhythm section
Difficulty Level : Medium, but don’t get capsized over by the High Cs!

Once in a while, a game comes along that knocks our socks off. And after 10 minutes in the delightful company of Super Mario Lanza, I looked under the table to observe that not only were my socks gone, but there was also a big burn mark where my doc martins and feet used to be. After leaving casualty, I stumped it as fast as I could back to our office to finish what this Italian Rapscallion had started! On the back of games like Guitar Heroin Addict, Stars in Their Deludeyes, All New Karaoke Screamalong-a-Piss-up, I had my doubts, but this is a game within a game within a game, all within a box made of that lovely velvet nightclub jacket material, its too perfect! Not only do you get to warble along with the hero of this title, but at suitable junctures, when you think the synch-a-song may get jaded, it switches into wonderful platform game mode! Genius!

So, you’ve belted out Arrivederci Roma, Funiculi Funicula, Danny Boy, and many more, but what’s this? You weren’t lubricating properly, and your rehearsal to play ‘The Great Caruso’ is but a day away! Never fear, your platform buddy Luigi is here! Luigi, an Italian plumber is an expert at getting dry pipes lubricated, but sometimes the dastardly doings of his nemesis Evil King Whoopacough, who has stolen all the Lockets (and Blackcurrant Soothers), make this more difficult for Luigi and Mario. Don’t worry, he may have a dry throat, but Mario has more than a few tricks and special moves up his sleeve. Blow away those crazy devious mushrooms and predictable left-right-left-right shell things by unleashing the Lanza Stanza! A vocal roar that makes King Kong’s primal scream look and sound like a mouse clearing its throat. I’ll say one more thing, Ave Mario!