snippets - mag issue 2 notes

Stories, Articles, Snippets etc

Sexy Shorts

Hear about the whore who had an appendectomy, but the surgeon sewed up the wrong hole. Now she makes money on the side...

...thats the problem with eating out a chinese girl, half an hour later you're hungry again...

...and the queer who bought salami, when the butcher asked if he wanted it sliced, he replied "What do you think my arsé is a money box?"...

...and the guy who cried when hearing you could get paid for sperm donations, because over his lifetime he'd let a fortune slip through his fingers...


New show on Bravo

The Hoover Whisperer – Shiny South American Vacuum Cleaner expert Claudius Sicily visits hapless American morons who are having problems with their electronic sucking machines, including the all too common attacks on small dogs, sneakily tripping family members up with tangly wires, devouring valuable rings and other jewellery, and the dreaded exploding dustbag of doom. Our goatee’d ninja of the carpet cleaner Claudius teaches the braindead scrotes the tricks and tips of turning your errant behemoth into a meek, manual Bissell, but usually just advises to take the fuckin thing down to the tip and get a Dyson, you tight bástards.


What’s going on?

When you’re young, you look in the cupboards at all the ‘sensible’ foods your parents buy and think, “when im growed up and live on my own, im just gonna buy Peanut Butter, Jam, Nutella, chocolate cake and pop” But before you know it, you’re there, 15 years later, in the supermarket, humming and hawing over broccoli, sprouts and cabbage. Whos really in control here?


Living with women – Life Tips #43

Always turn your mattresses in Spring. I don’t exactly know why, but I once saw someone do it in an episode of Bergerac. It was quite ironic viewing actually, as Bergerac was a detective, played by John Nettles, who was investigating a financial ‘sting’ operation




Living with women – Life Tips #76

Make it a priority that you do your homework very early in the relationship if you want to survive, by learning the correct location for EVERY SINGLE ITEM in your home, then draw yourself maps, diagrams, charts and coded messages only you understand. Believe me, the aftermath of misplacing a towel, plate or bathroom hygiene item is a terrifying prospect, and one I would advise that you learn quickly to avoid the wrath of the she-devil you share house with.


Abu al-Sabu Ding Dang Du was reported dead in Kabul tonight. One of the highest ranking operatives of Al-Qaeda was said to have ‘died as a martyr’. It later turned out we had been given misinformation, and in fact he ‘choked on a tomato’


A guide to unnerving people, mostly for fun, partly in the name of mental illness.

SO, you sidle over to the sexy, unattainable blonde perched at the bar, introduce yourself, make small-talk, then ask nonchalantly, “ But enough about me, I don’t even know your name” to which, if psychologically conditioned she will proffer her name. e.g. Christine, to which you reply “Ah, Christine… I had a blow-up doll called Christine, in fact I named her after my sister” sit back and watch her face drop off her head.


Where do wankers holiday in Florida?
Sweaty Palm Springs


Buy celebrity arse juice now! E-bay-enemas.com


Bad Luck Chuck

Im so unfortunate, a primary school child did me a crayon drawing, the VERY SAME DAY that my fridge door was stolen
The day I FINALLY gave in to my inner conflicts and allowed God into my life, the Catholic church came clean and confessed it was all a money and power racket
I became a vegetarian the day that they declared that chocolate was acceptable only as part of a carnivorous diet
I was the 10millionth person ever to take a monastic vow of silence, and was asked to give a speech about my decision on National Radio for a big fat fee
The day after I took my second vow of silence, I received a free front row season ticket to Manchester Uniteds newly opened compulsory loud swearing section




Apparently, terrorists drink so much Irish Stout that the Taliban are changing the countries name to AfGuinnesstan


Luke, I am your father.
I changed my name from Annakin to Darth, by deed poll.
And look at all the trouble it caused.
Got a free black cloak though.
It says "Property of Dr. Acula" on the label.
Goodnight.


When I steal a newborn from outside Sainsburys, I usually give her/him a temporary name associated with the pram she came free with (and other bonus goodies found in the various trays and pouches)

At present, I have;

Maxi and Cosi Beebz - my first raid, and twins! what a score!
Silver Crossienta Mahavishna - the sparkling one
Bebe BB Zee - aptly named, she hums and sleeps
Quinny - tall, irish and depressed but very generous
McClaren - smiles a lot, but full of shít
EmmalJunga KBGB - much too clever for old Fagan 'ere!

All sprats are available via eBay, (paypal only) and come with free nappies, milk (powdered marvel may be used if supplies run out), goose fat for rubbing on chubby legs, collar, harness and chokers.

All inquiries welcome, photos available once you can prove you're not on a sex offenders list.

LEGAL NOTE: Any chav believing that their child may be amongst these items, well, tough, you shouldnt be stoned scumbags bringing up little miracles should you!


Im a prop forward trapped in a supermodels body, and I cant breathe properly…


Asian snooker star Marco Fu caused inadvertent upset en route to the recent Masters Tournament. His weak grasp of English was to blame when it was discovered that on his cue case he had written, for the benefit of customs officials “For Cue”, causing much embarrassment and mirth at the check-in desk


"Where The Streets Have No Name" by U2 is based on a real housing estate in Dunmailin, Co. Wicklow. The housing estate was designed in such a manner to test the responses of postmen and see how they would react. The startling results were so scary they were hidden under a big stone for a long time. But now revealed, they state, QUOTE predictably, there were sporadic cases of postmen stealing the mail, and trying to cash giros, pocketing birthday card money meant for little Paddy etc, but 68% of our test subjects actually went insane, ending up in highpowered goverment positions, 4 postmen are still lost, believed to still trying to complete their assigned tasks.
This just proves the resilience, resourcefulness, red-facedness and roguishness of our friends across the water, but does not detract from the fact that Bono is still a Class 1 self-abuser. (real name - Wayne Kerr)


Cabbie Chat

“You’ll never guess who was in the back of my cab a few years back!, that Osama Bin Laden fella!”
“No way! Was he a good tipper?”
“He gave me a great tip. Told me to steer the fuck clear of Kings Cross Station on the 7th July” (think your edit works better mate!)



We fear change. Thats why we tell barstaff to keep it.


News: Jeremy Kyle is to stand in the next election and compete for the role as next Prime Minister. His party, the Chav United Nationalist Tramps – (or CUNT) will be campaigning for more Burberry, more XR2s and more high-school pregnancies. “With the vote of the young, disenchanted, stoned and useless behind me, I am sure I can bring this country back to where it belongs, on its arse” he shouted, condescendingly to a 19 year old scumbag.


To make tiny Tears , you need to chop really small onions


Rock Star Pads – this month ??? (plus picture of used tampon as per FdM)


Hollywoods latest fame maim game

BJBE or ‘Black Jack Blacks Eyes’ is becoming the hot game this year, due to the amount of optical damage caused by his shite movies. Stars and public alike have voiced their support for the new craze – “I cant wait to pop the little shit one on the hooter” said famous psychopath Dennis Hopper.


World Leaders Games & Pastimes

Adolf Hitler absolutely adored board games. He was an adept scrabble player, though many thought his personal favourites would have been RISK or Monopoly, or even the long-delayed board version of Genocidal Ethnic Cleansing (for advanced players). It turned out that behind Adolfs seemingly innocent love of Scrabble, there was a darker aspect to his enthusiasm, apparently he was hoping to create a game that consisted only of a cloned set of all blank super-tiles, making the game into something very messy indeed. A little known fact as footnote is that his secret favourite was the dice game Yahtzee, and in 1938 he temporarily changed the name of his political group from the Nazi Party to the Yahtzee Party, memorabilia of fluffy dice with swastika emblems are now the most highly sought after war antiques at Sothebys.

Nostrildamage – 15th century coke-addicted Prophet

When someone is into difficulties in water, its usually preferable than being the poor bugger who jumps in to save them but usually dies while the originl victim is invariably rescued.

Date rape is really great fun, but I find that the fresh produce aisle at Asda is usually too busy to get it on with exotic fruit for any length of time.