The Surreal Channel
Most people either eat them before, in some vain attempt to elongate their miserable lifespan, or simply discard mouldy ones, but here at Surreal TV we have discovered that by training the only fruit in history to wear stockings to wear stockings (yes, it makes sense, think about it) all year round they can make excellent centrepieces for wasp gatherings, ant homages, and even something for mildy stunned gerbils to admire out of conveniently placed windows.
4.30am - Time Travel TV
We show tomorrows TTT show before it has been recorded, and half an hour before the previous show, just to be smart arses. To discover the secrets of our Time Travel techniques, ring 0898 424242, calls charged at £5 per second. (Legal Note; sometimes, if not always, our calls are screened by a Peruvian Phone Sex Worker called Stuttering Esmerelda).
7.64am - The Ninth Dimension of Twigs
As everybody knows, twigs has always been renowned, some may say infamous for having a puny 8 dimensions. But yep, you guessed it, Surreal TV has dug deeper, through the bark, sap and weird tasting green bits of the super twig of the recently discovered spontaneously combusting jungles of Northampton shopping precinct, but sadly we didnt find a ninth dimension. We did find the tenth, and a stolen BMX, but no ninth. We are quite unhappy.
12 Noon - News
Our daily update of news, directly stolen from a reputable TV station, e.g. Sky News, BBC 24 or QVC, but with our own brand of surreal subtitling, for the hard of taking life too seriously. Plus free biscuits if you wave this page at the screen.
15.4 on Richter Scale – Surreal Killers
Our documentary series focusses on the worlds most admired and desired life takers who take their vocation into the realms of surreality. This week; Camilla Park Yer Bowels and her incredible scheme to dispose of arch-love rival Diana, erstwhile Princess of Wails and ex-UK Landmine dancing champion. This episode will very likely be banned after airing, so set the video folks!
1984.15 Hangliding in Concrete Boots
This popular sports show for competitors who have crossed the ‘Families of Sicily’ is about to overtake Jackass as the show with the biggest ‘Dont Try This At Home’ warning before the show. This episode features Enrique, who has a nervous breakdown and becomes hysterical about wether or not his shoelaces were tied before the cement began to set over his handmade leather Gucci shoes.
10.30pm Match of The Day
Our network of cameras based around the smoking shelters outside pubs, cafes and cancer clinics around the UK endeavour to bring you the highlights of the most flambouyant striker of a Bryant and May sulphur stick in the nation today. Points are awarded for first-time flame nonchalance, fluid strike ‘n’ light motion, the style of the put-out (a quick shake or a blow, or a simple throw?), also, the results of our latest Hole of The Month competition, highlighting the best spent-match flicks into grids and pint pots from the last four weeks.
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